It’s time you’ve been waiting for longer than you remember – your baby is born! And while you’ve shared your thankfulness with your surrogate for the irreplaceable role she played in this experience, you may wonder how your paths resume from here. It can be demanding to precisely know how your bond with your surrogate will look after childbirth. The months that follow the birth, adjusting as parents and growing families, can be emotionally charged. It is why it’s essential to consider how you foresee this already amazing relationship post-birth.
Your match, your way!
First, recognize that your match can be whatever you want it to be – during the pregnancy and later, too. At Royal Surrogacy we will discuss the possibilities with you before your match. It will also encourage this dialogue during the match meeting with your surrogate. It may be challenging to envision getting to the other side of this journey, but that’s why it is crucial to have an honest, open dialogue from the very start. Think about whether you realistically plan to stay in touch with your surrogate. For some IPs, that means exchanging photos from time to time. Still, the relationship should last during the pregnancy. In other cases, contact may be more consistent. Regardless of the relationship, it’s essential to allow your surrogate closure.
Why should you consider maintaining a relationship with your surrogate?
Birth changes everything, for your family and your surrogate. The finish line of the surrogacy journey requires lots of preparation and regular communication. The parents are understandably busy after the baby is born, and contact naturally drops off.
However, the postpartum period without a baby can be a problematic, jarring shift in responsibility. After all, your surrogate’s previous pregnancies concluded in caring for a newborn baby. Many surrogates see this as a welcome relief, while it can lead to mixed feelings for others. But there is no regret.The most common questions that intended parents have regarding the surrogate are: ”how will a surrogate feel about giving up the baby?” and “isn’t that hard to give up the baby?” However, the surrogate isn’t giving up a baby – she never had a baby to begin with. IPs love their child so much, have been waiting for their birth so long, and have been there the whole pregnancy – it is their baby!
This quality time together is not the case for every match, but for those who experience it, it can help ease the transition.
How to communicate openly?
The match between IPs and their surrogate lays the foundation for shared expectations and strong communication. The more you can share and discuss your preferences, the better. Remember that these needs may change and evolve throughout the journey, which is why communicating with your match manager and the surrogate is crucial. It is critical to remember that your surrogate may experience some level of grief after the baby is born. It’s not the loss of a baby – she knew from the beginning this is your child – but the loss of the experience. Surrogacy is a complex journey, one that changes her life too. It feels a variety of emotions at the culmination of this process is healthy and completely normal.
Small gestures make a significant impact.
Simply offering the surrogate time to hold the baby, take a photo with them, or give her children the chance to meet the baby can mean the world to her. Of course, she might not ask for it. Maybe she isn’t sure how, or she doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable. But, by offering, you give her some closure and a chance for the journey to come full circle.
Boundaries on intended parent/surrogate mother relationships.
At the beginning of the process, concerns about attachment can be natural for many parents. Yet is this a reason to put boundaries on communication? It’s a test of the motivation and character of many women who choose surrogacy and a thorough screening process. As the relationship moves forward and these concerns subside, most intended parents and surrogates can find a comfortable level of communication for everyone involved – even after the newborn arrives.
Should you involve your baby in the relationship?
Your surrogate’s involvement level with your kid in the future depends on what all parties feel convenient with. The bond looks different for every match, to put it another way. Although it’s terrific when intended parents decide to keep their surrogate involved this much, the relationship can be equally fulfilling without constant communication. Of course, some surrogates welcome and appreciate a photo and update from time to time. Still, they understand it is not an obligation. And while this is something that will be discussed throughout the surrogacy experience, the reality is that as time passes, communication may fade.
Eventually, the hope is that all parties will be able to look back on the surrogacy experience with an appreciation for what it was and the incredible impact it made. Our team is here to support you every step of the way.
By Dina Jaoshvili